Living with a Male Partner

The Service and Celibacy of Female ‘Lay Ascetics’ in Haridwar, North India

Abstract

The aim of this paper is to clarify how female ‘lay ascetics’ in Haridwar, a pilgrimage center in North India, struggle to cultivate the self through spiritual practice, focusing on how they serve their male partner.

Renouncers in Hindu India are supposed to observe brahmacarya, which is fundamentally understood to be a disciplined lifestyle intended to obtain spiritual liberation. It includes not only sexual abstinence but also a strict vegetarian diet, the avoidance of most stimulants and intoxicants, and the practice of meditation. Male ascetics, however, have tended to focus on celibacy and avoid women, as they are said to be dangerous and seductive to men. Those dictums of celibacy have reinforced the dominant opinion that women are not qualified for renunciation, resulting in marginalization or even exclusion from the ascetics’ community.

This paper investigates how female ascetics tackle these androcentric discourses and practice brahmacarya from a female point of view, focusing on their practice of sevā, or service. Sevā is supposed to be rendered without expectation of reward, so to speak, and offered as a pure gift, while it does function as a reciprocal transaction: those who engage in sevā receive spiritual and material rewards such as blessings or protection. This paper considers sevā in terms of sacrifice, beyond the dichotomy between the pure gift and reciprocal transaction. Sacrifice is a kind of gift-giving, as well as the process of transformation of the self through death and regeneration. Ideal sevā entails sacrificing the self, that is, all of what one has and even who one is, in search of the transformation of the self. This paper explores how female ascetics struggle to transform themselves through practicing sevā as self-sacrifice, based on case studies of the women called ‘lay ascetics.’

The term ‘lay ascetic’ is used as an ambiguous category implying negative nuances, which refers to those who are not regarded as either authentic renouncers or ordinary householders. Female ascetics who live with male partners are also called ‘lay ascetics.’ It appears inconsistent with an ideal celibate life for a male- female ascetic couple to live together. The reason for their not laicizing after breaching the vow of celibacy is that renunciation is dictated to be the last stage of life from which one cannot return to the world. Therefore, most ‘lay ascetic’ couples have left the monastery life and live independently outside it, sometimes with their own children, too.

Whereas male ascetics regard an association with a woman as taboo, which may bring about a loss of their fame and wealth, female ascetics do not always have a negative view of an association with a man. Female ‘lay ascetics’ nevertheless avoid dishonoring their male partner and refer to their relationship as guru and disciple, whether or not they are really so. They often emphasize how much they devote themselves to sevā for their partner, as it is highly encouraged to practice sevā for the guru. It can justify their relationship, yet some of them suffer due to a unilateral relationship and an excess of sevā.

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